Things that I, an expert, can tell you about marriage:
Marriage is super wonderful.
Marriage is incredibly, stupidly hard.
(But it’s mostly wonderful.)
(Except when it’s mostly hard.)
Two thirds of all marital fights stem from at least one party leaving a household item in the incorrect location.
Eight thirds of them involve a spouse “acting weird” about something.
The phrase “just tell me what’s wrong because I don’t want to start a fight” invariably leads to a fight.
Ways to avoid marital fights:
Try not to ever be hangry. If you suspect the other party has low blood sugar in the middle of a fight already in progress, subtly hand them a piece of cheese.
Leave the house with each other.
Leave the house without each other.
Comment positively on their pants. (This will suggest that you like their physique and/or taste in clothing.)
Hold their hand. Even if they try to let go. (Especially if they try to let go.) Ever try to maintain rage at someone earnestly gripping your hand? (Reluctant laughter is waaay better than rage. I’ve heard.)
Blame the crux of the argument on someone outside of your marriage and then get your partner to agree that other people just ruin everything, don’t they?
Ideas of great marriage dates:
Bring loads of laundry into the bedroom under the pretense of a “laundry party” while watching Netflix. (Watch Netflix instead.)
Hide in your bathroom and wonder why you guys had so many kids, anyway.
Offer to give each other massages (and try not to fall asleep before it’s your turn to reciprocate).
Spend the whole evening high-fiving about the various things that you, a couple, are exceptional at.
Same as above, but with secret handshakes.
Start a sexy text chain. Sample script: “The freezer’s making that weird sound again.” “Is it leaking?”
Final Pro Tip:
Marry someone who treats you like it’s International Women’s Day on the regular, like maybe for the whole 365.
It’ll be way easier to let the other stuff slide.
Unless it’s the “household items” thing.
Like, that’s not even where shoes go.
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