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| Can’t we just turn off the stereo? |
I thought it would be enough for me to simply list the Christmas songs that get my Christmas goose. (I was gonna say “goat,” but I’ve never heard of a Christmas goat. Even though accuracy has never really prevented me from writing before.)
But no. My ire, annoyance, and ear-worm eye-roll has not been tempered in the least.
So I shall expound.
Okay, Jackson 5. I get it. You saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus under the mistletoe last night. Leaving for a moment how cloying it is whenever any adult (or half-grown adult, as in this case) refers to anyone as “Mommy,” let’s think this one through. Michael, your father was Joe Jackson. Being as he was a confirmed abusive fellow, maybe we should refrain from “telling [your] Dad” anything about anyone’s misdeeds. I can’t hear that line without cringing over the can of whoop-ass that has just inadvertently been opened.
Staying on the Jackson 5 train, can we all just agree to stop playing their positively suicide-inducing Little Christmas Tree? For the [blessedly] uninitiated, here’s a sample:
I hear the Christmas bells
The happy people singing
The songs of good cheer
That only brings me tears
I sadly close my eyes
And say a little prayer
You’ll be waiting there for me
I look but all I see is
Just a little Christmas tree
Looking sort of sad and lonely just like me
No one seems to care
They just went away and left it standing there
All alone on Christmas Eve.
Ohhkay. Listen, people, I don’t care how many bells or trees you reference, this is NOT a good example of a holiday song. I can’t imagine this is anyone’s favorite Christmas chestnut. Who is requesting this song? He’s saying a “little prayer,” so he’s clearly a praying kinda guy. Couldn’t he just go to a Christmas Eve mass or something? Maybe volunteer at a soup kitchen? Anything’s better than staring a small shrub. Also, come to think of it, why is Michael all alone on Christmas Eve? I can’t believe that ever happened during his formative years- at least not with those Jackson 4 guys around. Not to mention LaToya and Janet.
And the biggest offender of the Really Pushing The “Christmas Song” Category Envelope is: Last Christmas by George Michael. I know for a fact that millions of people adore this song. At least two stations in Chicago play it twice as hour (not even counting Taylor Swift’s cover) and I’ve renamed Sirius XM’s Channel 17 the Last Christmas station. (“All Last Christmas,” all the time!”)
But here’s the thing- this song could have taken place on any ol’ day of the year:
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
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