To Whom It May Concern:
Sirs and Madams of the Chicago Christkindlmarket planning committee, there’s something that you might not know. The main draw of the outdoor Christmas market- even more than jockeying for face space while purchasing miniature glass animals or peeking a look at the Santa hidden in this year’s workshop/eco dome(!?)- is the ability to consume an alcoholic beverage out of a ceramic boot.
This year- similar to last year’s troubling turn of events- found us sans boot.
I do not understand why this is happening to us.
Sure, I’m smiling- but you can tell I don’t really mean it.
Here’s a simple way to remedy this boot-fail: When the question is posed whether or not to have the famed boot mug be a shape other than an actual boot, don’t answer anything other than “Yes, we should have the boot mug shaped like a boot.” There. That one’s easy.
Oh, but there are dissenters, you say? Not a problem. When someone disagrees with your choice of boot mug shape, tell them that they are wrong. Let’s try it out:
Regular Mug-Shape-Lover: I think the boot mug should be bulbous and mug-shaped this year.
Everyone Else: You’re an idiot.
I understand. Slightly. Now, I’m no ceramics expert, but I can only imagine that specific mug shapes other than, you know, mug, could be costlier and more time-consuming make. (That’s the reason, yes? That’s got to be the only reason.) That toe shape doesn’t form itself, amiright? Maybe some artisan over in China (because yes, they’re made in China) had a kiln-related tantrum over the dimensions of toe curviness and halted the whole overseas operation, forcing you to like, go to the Christmas Tree Shops or something in the meantime.
Okay, so I’ve just given you a potential explanation for last year’s non-boot debacle. Then what the heck happened this year? Two consecutive years, two consecutive non-boots.
The row of Christkindlmarket boots lined up on my window sill according to year is beginning to look ridiculous.
(The last time this happened was the unfortunate 2008 Christmas season with its fuchsia (fuchsia!!) boring mug shape which, had you learned from the atrocity of 2004’s green mug-shaped mug mess, should never even have happened.) Oh, it’s meant to look like an upside-down seasonal hat when upended? That’s so whimsical! It’s also, weirdly, not a boot!
People, we’re not there for the mulled wine which, let’s be honest, is doctored-up Two Buck Chuck. We’re barely there anymore for the atrocious lines to meet Santa (and get shuttled through the not-so awesome conveyor belt that is the new- I’m sorry- eco dome). The only reason we’re there, risking flying elbows to the face, is the prospect of clinking boot mugs together with eight gazillion of our neighbors.
I think we can all agree that it nearly impossible to do that without at least one boot mug.
Bring back the boot mug. No- just do it. Bring back the boot mug.
Respectively (and bootlessly) yours,
Keely
(who does not have a boot mug.)
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