I read The News, too.

I’d catch a grenade for ya

Throw my hand on a blade for ya

I’d jump in front of a train for ya

You know I’d do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain

Put a bullet right through my brain

Yes I would die for you baby

But you won’t do the same (no no no no)

Okay, now, not to be all Sassy Gay Friend- but What what WHAT are you doing?! None of these are declarations of love. None of them. I would never ask these asinine things of you…yet you’re ticked because I won’t stand on the train tracks for you? Clearly you have misjudged the level of angst in our relationship. I ain’t no Juliet, and I’m sure as heck no pre-teen. 

Here’s a love song I’d really swoon for:

I’d fold up the sheets for ya

Put the baby to sleep for ya

Warm up the car with heat seats for ya

Netflix a funny release for ya

I would clear hair from the drain

Salt the steps during the icy rain

Yes I would fry for you-

Some bacon in the flame (wo wo wo)

See that? LOVE SONG. 

Also, Bruno Mars? I think you need to take a page from the Ricky Martin ‘La Vida Loca’ book and realize that a bullet through the brain does not prove anything- nor, according to Mr. Martin, does it make you “insane.” It makes you dead. La Vida Muerta. 

God, between this and Taio Cruz’s “Dynamite,” it makes me kinda long for simpler, less violently named songs. Like “Sister Golden Hair.”

In other Media Sound-Byte News Of Stuff That Bothers Me:

-Hello, Jello? Yes, thank you for your new Mousse Temptations ads, but the next time I reference anything as being “Me O’Clock” I sure as heck won’t be referencing pudding. Maybe some chips. But my point is that the “time” won’t be defined by eating. At least not entirely. (Can I eat pudding while napping?)

-Hey there, Hoverround. I agree that your electric wheelchair/scooter amalgamations sure look helpful. But perhaps we shouldn’t still be offering to send out informative VHS tapes for the first people to call in. Because really, tapes? Lemme crank up the ol’ party line and wait for the Pony Express. (I realize that those are two very different time periods. At least I’m aware that I should be aware of that. I’ll Wikipedia it in a few.) VHS is old.

-And “iRenew Bracelets?” Do you realize that, at a certain part of your infomercial, it sounds like your spokesperson is saying that the “customers” are unable to stay balanced “without irony?” I realize that he is saying the phrase “without iRenew.” I do realize that. But the fact that these Man On the Street people can barely remain standing when you tug on their arms- wearing electromagnetic frequency bracelets or not- smacks of falsity to me. Or maybe scurvy.

And sure, perhaps it’s not exactly irony so much as it is bad acting, but maybe it could be construed as irony in the Alanis Morissette-extremely-loose-definition-way?

I miss books.