We went to Ikea recently. Well, actually, P.J. did. He said that there wouldn’t be enough room for the girls’ car seats in the back if we wanted to get bookshelves, etc., and that someone would have to “stay home with the children.” Whatever. I think he was just trying to keep me out of my beloved Ikea.
He made it up to me by purchasing deliciously scented candles. These candles, however, came with a warning. A lot of warnings. Ten, in fact. TEN WARNINGS. For candles. (It reminds me of the time that two bald Swedes tried to prevent me from properly putting together a bed.) Let’s review just how awful these candles can be in the wrong hands, shall we? (And I apologize for the garishly non-professional photography. Why yes, I do own a Canon T21; but my medium of choice is an iPhone 3Gs featuring a lens smeared with peanut butter.)
The first four warnings:
1. Only place these near old people if they’re in rocking chairs. If they leave the room for a second, blow that action out. Old people hate candles on tables. And you know what? Let’s make it a life-sized candle. I really want to be able to see my old people.
2. You must be happy near this candle at all times. This is not a sad candle. Go to Pier 1 for that bull.
3. Why do you need two candles? You don’t. (Okay, fine. Get two. But they must be exactly the same size.)
4. Don’t place your life-sized candle near a window. For starters, it’ll look ridiculous. No one will be able to see over that thing. Also, it’ll just illuminate the fact that you’ve failed to hang equidistant curtains (which is not Feng Shui at ALL.) Passersby will think this bizarre.
The next three warnings:
5. When a swirling vortex opens up, don’t enter it. Cross it right out. Stay home safe and sound with your candle.
6. I have no idea what’s going on here. I think this one is telling me to not use the candle to watch TV when it’s clearly a sunny day. Go outside. Get some fresh air. The candle will still be here later.
7. Don’t ever, ever light your candle with a match. Why would you do that? You know what? Leave it alone.
And the final three:
8. If you cut this wick beyond 1cm (whatever the heck amount that is), this previously rounded candle will turn into a stick of dynamite and you will have regret.
9. Whatever you were about to do, just stop. Stop it.
10. I bet you were planning on blowing out this candle when you were done, huh? Don’t.
Just put down the candles (and your plate of Swedish meatballs) and accept that you’re not ready for the heady responsibility of candle-burnin’.
Not the way they do it in Sweden.
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