It kinda feels like I’m in the “official” part of my pregnancy- like, now that it’s ten weeks or less ’til Baby Central, this means that I actually have to HAVE THE KID. And other such fun.
I’m thoroughly NOT enjoying the every two weeks appointments. The constant poking, prodding and weigh-ins make me feel less Earth Mother and more Rocky Post-Retirement. Or like a science experiment gone horribly awry. (“Why are you still gaining weight?” “Well, until the kid starts shrinking, it may become a necessary evil.”)
I’m rather done with caring about weight gain at this point. (*Rather*, mind you. I will always be enough of an actress to wonder how close or off the mark I am to the weight listed on my theatre resume. 125lbs. Shut up.) Besides, if my doctors really wanted me to obsess about my weight, they’re about nine years late to the party. We don’t do that here anymore. And if they really wanted me to count calories (yep, there they are!) then tomorrow I’ll just get off at the floor hosting the Weight Watchers meeting and skip the blood draw altogether. If I’m humongously overweight when the kid hits middle school (and still blaming the pregnancy), then yes, get my bum to step aerobics. Until then, pass the pumpernickel.
We start our childbirth classes next Tuesday, a blend of Lamaze and Bradley techniques: half ‘Oh, this is gonna hurt, so breathe rhythmically like they do in the movies’ and half ‘Oh, pain is totally cool. Visualize a cloud. Don’t you like CLOUDS?’ I hope they offer snacks with the informative videos. I hope I can record P.J.’s face whilst watching the informative videos.
Yesterday I finished up a one-act play about biological clocks- seems to be a bit on the brain- except that my female protagonist can’t find hers and desperately wishes to. Ha! It’s funny, ’cause it’s a myth! Like people who gain seven pounds during pregnancy! Because what woman DOESN’T hear her clock chirping in the middle of the night like a Tourette’s-afflicted cockatiel with ADD on a sugar high? Wearing little finger cymbals and an umbrella hat? (The umbrella hat doesn’t make noise, it’s strictly a sight-gag.)
Oh, for real?
You don’t find that this is GENERALLY the case? Oh.
That’s weird.
So, tonight may be the night that a “guy” comes over and “saws our couch in half.” And we’re paying him cash money to do this! At this point I’d give him one of the cats if he could unwedge the sectional from the stairwell. I find that I’m losing my ability to notice large, out-of-place objects in my daily life. Totally walked into a filing cabinet two days ago- it COULD have belonged in the family room…who am I to argue with the laws of spatial relations? (On a positive note, we still have a homeless box spring blocking the storage area, rendering it officially Not My Problem. There’s clutter back there? Prove it.)
But for now, murder, mayhem and diamond theft. For at least three more scenes. And then perhaps elevated ankles, strategically-placed pillows and a snore or two.
For at least twenty more minutes.
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